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Intergenerational Living

 A woman whom I thought of as pretty tough, became quite emotional when she started talking about looking after her mother-in-law at the end of her life. She said, “I know it may sound strange, but it was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. It was just . . .” She wiped away a tear, and finally said, “Amazing.” I know another woman who, with her three young children, moved in with her father after she divorced and her father found out he had cancer. “I worried it would have a negative effect on my kids,” she said with that same sense of awe in her voice, “but it was just the opposite.”

 24/7 in-home caregiving is not the right solution for everyone, including the one who needs the care. I’ve met older people who are quite happy in assisted living. One firmly stated, “I’d never put that burden on my children.” Another laughingly said, “I’d be bored living with my kids. I love them, but there’s always something to do here.”

Sadly, if a nursing home isn’t where a loved one wants to be, it often means someone else has to quit or scale back their work, or pull up stakes as I did, to take on this all-consuming task. If you do decide that this is a path you’re ready to travel down for however long it works for all involved, I wish you all the best and will repeat what I heard at the start of my journey from those who had been through a similar experience: You will never regret it. Here are a few tips I'd like to pass on.

 

Watch your words.The way you speak, speaks volumes. Avoid talking about an elderly person in the third person in front of them as if they weren't there. Don’t yell if they’re not deaf, or speak to them like they’re five years-old. If they have dementia, try not to say “Do you remember” or “Don’t you remember?” Replace “Let me help you” with “What would you like me to do?” Be gentle but firm in your communication, not condescending.
 

Mi Casa es Su Casa. Integrate their belongings with yours and call it “our home,” not “my home.” Ideally, they shouldn’t have to negotiate stairs, or step over the side of a bathtub to get into the shower. A walk-in shower, with hand railings inside and out, is a big help. Keep floors uncluttered. A fall can have disastrous results.
 
Embrace Curiosity. Take this golden opportunity to learn as much as you can about the person you are caring for. You will learn a lot about yourself, as well. Go through photo albums and write down anything the person in your care remembers. Read old letters. Stir up their fondest memories. Maintain contact with their friends. It will widen your view of life and warm your heart, too.
 
Stress Busters. From yoga and meditation, to support groups, to anti-anxiety medications like Ativan that can be used on an as-needed basis, find what works for you to diffuse the perfectly normal anguish you are bound to feel if you love the person in decline.  
 
There But For The Grace of God Go I. If you’re ever unsure about what to do, ask yourself: How would I like to be treated if I were in their place? It will usually answer any questions you may have.

 

Here are a few resources you may find valuable, even if you’re not doing in-home care: 
  • Phone app: Elder 411. www.elder411.net/elderApps/elder411_detail.aspx
  • New York Times blog “The New Old Age,” Newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/?scp=1&sq=new%20old%20age&st=cse
  • AARP, Aarp.org
  • The National Family Caregivers Association, Thefamilycaregiver.org.
  • To enlighten all ages on what it feels like to grow old, do an Xtreme Aging workshop through the Macklin Intergenerational Institute: Mackliniginstitute.org
  • Department of Health and Human Services’ National Family Caregiver Support Program: Aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/caregiver.aspx.
  • To find out what Medicare covers and their recommendations on long-term care, visit Medicare.gov.
  • To help downsize someone's home (or your own), a great book is Sell, Keep, or Toss?: How to Downsize a Home, Settle an Estate, and Appraise Personal Property by Harry L. Rinker. His website is full of information, too. www.harryrinker.com Another great resource is the National Association of Senior Mover Managers. Find someone in your area at: www.nasmm.org
  • For information on the full scope of legal issues you may face with someone suffering from dementia, I highly recommend The Alzheimer's Advisor by Vaughn E. James. Another good book is Alzheimer's Disease: A guide for families and caregivers by Katie Courtice and Lenore Powell.
  • There are probably many support services, some free, where you live. Look in local newspapers, the Yellow Pages, or the Web under Senior Services.
  • And finally, the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization is an excellent resource: Nhpco.org. Hospice offers free support groups and services before, during and after the loss of a loved one. I was impressed, and grateful, that a woman from my local hospice organization continued to call me every few months for a year after my mother died just to see how I was doing.

 

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